The Dayton Daily News completely misses the real story
THIS JUST IN: With that asshole Lew Lehrman of the Lincoln Institute getting on my case, Abraham Lincoln has been on my mind lately. But the last thing I ever expected was hard proof that our 16th president is still alive! I know that [...]
Entries from March 2007
March 30
THIS JUST IN: Lincoln Lives!
March 30
COFFEE THOUGHT: Energy Coffee
FINALLY!
Have you guys seen this new coffee infused with ENERGY from 7-eleven? I’m pretty excited. I’ve always liked the taste of coffee, but I never could get over the fact that it gave you absolutely no energy.
March 29
NIGHT CAP: Construction
10:37 pm
“zzzzzzzz….”
I’m trying to go to bed right now, but some guy is doing construction on our street using a circular saw and a hammer. Why did he wait until 10:30 pm to begin construction work? Did this guy seriously say to himself, “I really need to build this chicken coop, [...]
March 29
THE LEHRMAN AFFAIHR: Anagram Lincoln
MONARCH NAIL LAB
ANCHOR ANAL LIMB
CABANA HORN MILL
AN HARMONIC BALL
ABRAHAM LAMECOLN
ABRASHIT FUCKCOLN
THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS WAS OVERWRITTEN
LOOKED BETTER WITHOUT A BEARD
GLAD HE GOT SHOT
March 28
MY INBOX: Lincoln Lover
The author of the email, Lewis Lehrman (second from left), receiving the 2005 National Humanities Medal
To my eight readers: I have some strange news. This afternoon I received an email from one Lewis Lehrman. Lehrman is the president founder of the Lincoln Institute, a non-profit dedicated to studying the 16th president. [...]
March 27
ABOUT ME: My Sixth Sense
“I see dead…oh. ew.”
According to scientists, there are five senses: Taste, touch, sight, women’s intuition and feel. As for me, I’m both blessed and cursed with a sixth sense: The sense of knowing if someone has masturbated in a room simply by stepping into it.
It comes on first as a faint, white [...]
March 26
ISSUE OF IMPORTANCE: Drugs
“Drugs.” A word most feared, or a word most dear? Depending on whom you ask, you may get vastly different responses. Students are often taught to “just say no” to drugs, but this becomes a big problem once you find out how many cool things are referred to as “drugs”. What, [...]
March 24
WORLD OF LAST WEEK: Should I just fucking see “300″?
“NO, MOM, MY FACE WILL NOT GET STUCK LIKE THIS!!!”
Blogosphere, I have a dilemma. Before this week, I was satisfied with my decision not to see “300.” This is not my kind of movie, I thought. This is a kind of movie for meatheads, child-molesters and stunt motorcycle drivers. But [...]
March 23
THIS JUST IN: And Iran…Iran so far away…
“This is my worried face.”
THIS JUST IN: Do you hear that? That’s the sound of scary international tension! Things have gotten pretty natty in the Persian Gulf after 15 British marines were captured by Iranian forces earlier today on charges that they illegally entered Iranian waters to board a suspcious-looking ship. The [...]
March 22
GUIDE TO: Portland Real Estate
“cute.”
I will never be responsible or rich enough to buy a house, but that doesn’t keep me from obsessively browsing the Portland real-estate listings. I think dreaming about buying things that you will never, ever be able to afford is one of the consummate American experiences, along with vomiting off the top of [...]
