All these protests this weekend got me thinking about how to end the war. It took almost all of Sunday, but I finally figured it out. Remember last weekend when the Pentagon’s top general, Peter Pace, said he thinks gays are “immoral”? Well, all we need to do is convince Pace that every soldier in Iraq is gay. Pace will be so grossed out that he’ll order a withdrawal from Iraq ASAP, and the war will end without all that messy “politics.” I’m convinced the Army will withdraw the troops at any cost once they believe they’re queer, since they’ve already spent $364 million discharging gays from the military. Being grossed out by gays also seems to be a more important strategic goal than any victory in Iraq, since so many of those discharged for homosexuality possessed valuable translating skills. So repeat after me: “Out the troops and get the troops out.”
Here’s the letter I sent to Pace to out the troops in Iraq. Feel free to copy it and send one to your local homophobic legislature:
March 19, 2007
Gen. Peter Pace
The Pentagon
Washington, DC 20310General Pace,
I have some bad news. I feel that it is my patriotic duty to inform you that the U.S. troops currently stationed in Iraq are gay. All 160,000 of them. Every dude is gay and every chick is lesbian. Kind of puts that whole “Shock and Awe” thing in a new light, huh? And remember those 20,000 additional troops President Bush sent earlier this year to help stop sectarian violence? Yep, you got it: Gay. Super gay. Hard to believe, I know, but it’s the plain truth.
I wish that I could keep this terrible secret to myself. I really do. But I realized that I needed to act when you bravely disclosed to the press on March 12th that homosexuality is immoral. Before this, I was pretty happy with the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy: We receive all the benefits of banning gays from the military without any of the annoying drawbacks, like keeping gays from joining the military. The U.S. gets its entirely gay army, and gays have the ultimate privilege of serving their country and maybe get dishonorably discharged or harassed once in a while. A win-win situation.
But this was before I knew homosexuals were immoral. Now I know the horrible truth of our gay army. I only wish you had revealed this truth earlier, since it could have prevented so many immoral gays from having had the pleasure of dying in Iraq. God knows that I don’t want any immoral people dying on my behalf. Hell, even just getting wounded is too good for these people. Plus, it’s a proven fact that immoral people are bad soldiers. They have terrible aim.
So you see, General Pace, why I have it upon myself to tell you that every soldier in Iraq is totally gay. It would be morally indefensible for another gay soldier to die for this country. And they’re all gay. This war is a gay war. An immoral war. I urge you to take the only conscionable course of action: Bring the gay troops home. The U.S. is out in Iraq; now let’s bring them out of Iraq.
Sincerely,
Adrian Chen
