“With all this money, I hope to buy a shirt.”
THIS JUST IN: I feel kind of weird writing again about a movie I haven’t seen, but I always try not to let ignorance keep me from speaking out on something. So I was waiting in line to buy some Lemonheads from the store, when I saw this week’s Entertainment Weekly. Splashed on the cover amidst some truly intense Dude-ity was the headline:
“300: INSIDE THE MAKING OF A SURPRISE SMASH.”
THE BIGGER PICTURE: I’m thinking, Who the hell is surprised that a multi-million dollar blockbuster became, well, a blockbuster? Was someone out there doubting that “300″ would be popular?
June, 2005: Inside Warner Brother’s Studio
HOLLYWOOD EXEC: …and then there’s “300.” What the shit’s this one, a father-son story about baseball or something?
UNDERLING: Well, no. It’s actually an action movie.
HOLLYWOOD EXEC: Did you say Action? Hmmm… well, it would be a big risk. There’s just no audience for action these days. Foreign films; that’s where the money’s at! But as long as there aren’t any spectacular special effects, we should be able to sell it.
UNDERLING: Actually, the entire film is pretty much one long special effect. The intensely violent battles; the scenery. Even the nipples on the nude, hot women who do stripteases in it are computer generated.
HOLLYWOOD EXEC: Wait… did you say battles? As in violence? And hot, naked women? This will never fly, Johnson. There has never been a movie in the history of movies with violence and hot naked women in it that has been able to make a dime.
UNDERLING: But, Boss, maybe this could be the first! Who knows! Maybe this film could even usher in a brave new era in American cinema where the movies with shitloads of special effects, violence and nudity will be the only ones to make a lot of money!
HOLLYWOOD EXEC: Well, OK. But I’m only going to authorize a billion dollars advertising budget. Anything else would be just too much of a risk. And, Johnson, I’ve got absolutely no hopes that this violent action movie will make any money. Action! Hmph!
UNDERLING: I think you might be pleasantly surprised, Boss…
THE WORLD OF TOMORROW: If the success of 300 is a truly a surprise, here are some future “Surprise smashes”:
-”Pirates of the Caribbean III”: Why the success?
-Oil: Who could have guessed it would be 2007’ss hot commodity?
-Nighttime: The completely unexpected follow-up to daytime!
