“cute.”
I will never be responsible or rich enough to buy a house, but that doesn’t keep me from obsessively browsing the Portland real-estate listings. I think dreaming about buying things that you will never, ever be able to afford is one of the consummate American experiences, along with vomiting off the top of a rollercoaster. A lot of people spend hours on Ebay or Craigslist checking out computers or bikes they have no money to buy–but I say, Why aim so low? If you’re going to fantasize about buying something, why not make it a house? Even if what you really want is a bike or a computer, you should still fantasize about buying a house. Then you should fantasize about selling that house for a profit and buying any number of computers or bikes, while still having some money left over to take a nice trip. People need to get smart about their imaginary investing.
Also, the cool part about fantasizing about real-estate is that you can go to open houses as if you’re actually looking to buy the house. I like to go and ask the Realtor a bunch of esoteric questions about the property that they don’t know the answer to, like whether or not the shutters are original, or if the house is zoned for two kitchens. Then, I’ll sit down and pretend to work out some equations on my abacus before jumping up and shouting “By George, I’ll take it!” The best part is filling out all the paperwork, which takes about three months. Then, right as I’m about to sign the check for $350,000 and hand it to the Realtor I will pause, as if having second thoughts. I’ll sign the first three letters of my first name very slowly before getting up to take a walk around the block to “think it over.” When I get back, I will have decided to invest in a Guatemalan orphanage instead. “It’s nothing wrong with the house,” I’ll say. “It’s just that those kids mean the world to me.”
All this has made me an expert on real estate. One thing I’ve noticed is that Realtors have special catchphrases they use in real estate listings to describe houses. These are actually complex codes that have nothing to do with what the house is actually like. I think this is meant to keep people who aren’t really serious about buying a house from wasting their time, so you must know the true meaning of those catchphrases if you ever hope to become a successful fake homebuyer like I am. To help you out, here are a few houses ripped right from Portland real-estate listings, along with the catchphrases used to describe them and translations for the layperson:
Catchphrase: “Easy airport access”
Translation: You won’t need to check if your relatives’ flight is on time because you’ll be able to hear their plane landing. And nothing else. Ever again.
Catchphrase: “Fixer-upper”
Translation: We admit this house is pretty trashed, but with a little TLC those chemical stains will come right out of the ceiling. Hint: Blood is best removed from carpets with a little baking soda and a lot of pluck!
Catchphrase: “Great potential”
Translation: That gaping hole in the ceiling holds great potential for becoming a skylight.
Catchphrase: “Country living”
Translation: A family of rabid raccoons live in the garage.
Catchphrase: “Very clean”
Translation: …because we just spent four hours mopping up the raw sewage that seeps from the floor.
Catchphrase: “Brand new”
Translation: No one has been murdered in this house. Yet.
Catchphrase: “Cute”
Translation: Ugly and small.
