The Dayton Daily News completely misses the real story
THIS JUST IN: With that asshole Lew Lehrman of the Lincoln Institute getting on my case, Abraham Lincoln has been on my mind lately. But the last thing I ever expected was hard proof that our 16th president is still alive! I know that it is true, since I read it on the Internet. The Dayton Daily News reports that not only is Honest Abe alive, his backyard is awesome. For example: “Lincoln just recently photographed a pileated woodpecker in a tree across the street.” I thought those were extinct!
THE BIGGER PICTURE: Abraham Lincoln, I urge you: Put down your trowel and birdwatching binoculars and come out of retirement to save our country! I’m sorry about that last post; it was childish and unfunny. Even if the Gettysburg Address was overwritten–that was the point, right! I always try my best to make fun of only people who won’t accidentally read my blog and be offended, like the dead, or cultures who don’t have Internet access, or everyone except the eight people who read this blog. I’m sorry.
But let’s put this behind us and come together to solve our country’s problems. You’ve had experience with civil wars before–now end the one in Iraq. With your statesmanship and connections, and my go-go-go attitude, we can make America fun again! I don’t know how you escaped John Wilkes Booth in the end but, frankly, I don’t care. Help us, Abraham Lincoln. Hel pme.
WHAT YOU CAN DO: FUCK OBAMA; DRAFT ABRAHAM LINCOLN
