HAITI: Day 1

This is Adrian’s Mother again. Today we received Adrian’s treasured diary in the mail from an anonymous source in Haiti. Nevermind that there is no postal service in Haiti. We believe the diary was delivered by goat, but as our own mailman is fairly goat-like it is impossible to tell at the [...]

GOODBYE ADRIAN

“He loved too much”
This is Adrian’s mother writing to you with some unfortunate news. Adrian is gone. Please let me explain: As you know, Adrian recently left for a trip to Haiti. It was with a nice black girl who I suspected as his girlfriend–a fact he repeatedly denied. Either [...]

GOODBYE: Going to Haiti!

 
Hey guys, I’m going to Haiti until August 26th!  Let’s see what the U.S. State Department has to say about Haiti:

 There are no safe areas in Haiti…  Reports of kidnapping, death threats, murders, drug-related shootouts, armed robberies, break-ins or carjackings occur almost daily… In 2006, reported kidnappings of American citizens increased to sixty, including one [...]

NIGHT CAP: Sleep Anxiety

Posted@12:33AM

 
Are you ever kept up by the fear that something terrible might happen while you’re asleep?  I often lie for hours drenched in a cold sweat, struck by the illogical fear that a giant nocturnal earthquake might hit while I’m passed out and kill me.  The idea that I could die in my sleep without [...]

THIS JUST IN: Mike Huckabee Is Funny

Did you hear the one about the woman who wants to get an abortion after I become President? She can’t!
THIS JUST IN: The New York Times gushes about GOP Presidential Candidate Mike Huckabee’s sense of humor. Maybe humor is why he came in second at the Iowa Straw Poll? Some of [...]

BLOG FROM THE FUTURE: My Presidential Campaign Speech

Posted: August 12, 2057

So, it’s official–I’m running for President in the 2058 elections! Here’s the the first bit from the debate last night:
Hello. My name is Adrian Chen, and I’m running for President of the United States of America and the Moon. First I would like thank my opponents for attending this [...]

WRITING LIFE: Gotham Building Tavern

 
Short piece about my night at the Gotham Tavern here. I got really drunk!

APOLOGIES: Screw Loose

 

The Screw: One of many reason I did not get any in high school.
When I was in high school, I used to keep a small screw in my pocket. If conversation was flagging or I was feeling a little down, I’d take the screw out of my pocket and ask the nearest [...]

WORD SEARCH: Success

THE HMS IRONY
Fuck Grease, “Success” is the word. In my hometown of Rutland Vermont, “Success” was the name of a special school for the kids who never had any. I would never take advice from Success Magazine, seeing as how all their writers ended up writing for fucking Success Magazine. The [...]

MY LIFE: Happy Birthday, Grandma!

My grandma, Muriel, is a famous neuropsychologist. This is her book.
Just got home from my Grandmother’s 80th birthday party, whose revelry spanned three days and as many generations of my family. My grandmother is 80 years old this week. 80! Think about the World of 80 Years [...]