ADWATCH: “The Region’s Only Burn Center”

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“Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket,” said George Orwell once. I have no idea what that means. George Orwell wrote the book Animal Farm. I read that book once, in eighth grade. Animals can talk in that book!

Many people, including maybe George Orwell, believe that Advertising is a cancer on our society. But people forget all the good Advertising does. Like, tonight I saw a giant billboard lit up against the night sky that read: “Legacy Emanuel Hospital: The region’s only Burn Center.” And, though I have done it many times in the past, I once again raised my hands to the Heavens and thanked the particular non-denominational Judeo-Christian deity I believe in for allowing us unworthy sinners to invent Advertising.

Advertising. The way I see it, Advertising is simply a means through which people who need a particular product or service are connected with that particular product or service. Imagine if I got second degree burns all over ninety-percent of my body and there was no such thing as advertising–no such thing as the Burn Center billboard. I’m in this position, then, where I’m really stunned, wandering around the kitchen or whatever, my body numb with pain, the smell of charred flesh filling the air. And I need a particular service. In fact I need a particular suite of services and products. Specifically, I need a Burn Center. Now, we know from the billboard that Legacy Emanuel is the region’s only Burn Center. But what if I hadn’t seen that billboard? Well for all I know there’s a Burn Center on every street corner! Maybe I would walk down the street hoping to find a Burn Center in the parking lot of the neighborhood Seven Eleven. Wrong. Maybe I look for a Burn Center under the bridge. Still wrong. There are a million wrong choices and only one right one–because there’s only one Burn Center.

But wait! Here’s a thought: I didn’t even know that there were such things as Burn Centers before I saw that billboard! So here’s me, staggering around the kitchen, bits of skin falling off, open seeping sores just getting infected all over the place, and I have absolutely no idea what particular services and products I need to seek out to fulfill my particular need! It’s a miracle I’m even able to articulate the need itself! I’d stand there for a while, jaw agape, until my nerves started working again and I pass out from the pain. My last thought would likely be: “God, I wish there was a center for this.”

But wait again! That is hardly even the most tragic part of this story. Because just across town is the beautiful, bright, brand-new Legacy Emanuel Burn Center. Their enormous burn treatment tanks glisten and hum with awesome healing power. And they’re all completely empty! Since there’s no advertising, no giant billboard, no “1-800-I-BURNED”, people are completely oblivious to the Burn Center. If only the same could be said about their horrible burns.

You might say burn victims could search for services on the Internet if they were so intent on treating their burns. But who’s got time for that in this workaday world? What are you, a millionaire? Which is why a huge billboard advertising a place to go if you get horribly burned is a good idea. If someone is horribly burned and driving down the highway, they simply have to move their head 12 degrees up to be informed about a service that might interest them. Convenient!

People say Advertising is all lies. Well, here’s the straight-up truth: Without Advertising, the Burn Center is going bankrupt while the ignorant burn victims are dying off silently in their houses. Who’s the liar now?

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Tags: Advertising, Adwatch, Burns, George Orwell