How to Blog

Hi, my name is Adrian. I’m starting this blog because I have accrued great knowledge on blogging with no sufficient outlet for that knowledge. This knowledge must get out of my head. Thus my first post is a quick primer on the three most common problems new bloggers face:

1) Got “Bvoice”?

The ultimate key to weblogging, or “blogging,” is to develop an appealing webvoice, or “bvoice” (pronunciation: buh-voice). With the right bvoice, even the most mundane or disgusting details of your life will flourish into brilliant nuggets of Internet gold. Often, a bloggers bvoice is just a replica of their real life voice but with poorer spelling. Wrong way to do it, buddy! Instead, think of blogging as a chance to reinvent yourself in a new, interesting way. Let’s say you are a poor sharecropper living in eastern Nevada and you’re starting a blog. The wrong bvoice would be one that says “Look at me, I am a poor and dusty old sharecropper who’s being overrun by corporate farms. Plus, who the hell is a sharecropper these days anyway? I’m lonely.” No. Instead, you should play up the appealing parts of your life as a poor sharecropper, like the hours you spend outside in nature, your favorite crop, or the happy times you’ve had with Cheryl, your emaciated cow. If your life has no appealing parts, just write down the exact opposite of every thought or event in your horrible existence. Voila! Your tired old voice has become an appealing, marketable bvoice!

2) When Do I Blog?

Asking this is like asking when you should masturbate! Always, obviously! But seriously, you should be blogging whenever you are not working or masturbating. Actually, you should probably even blog then, too. A good way to boost your blog posts is to blog about blogging. Still, many people have trouble blogging regularly. The way I would solve this problem would be to imagine that each blog post earns you one point. It’s that easy.

3) What if I am racist?

If you insist on being racist in your blog, be smart about it. You should only be racist towards people who have no means of accidentally stumbling across your blog and being offended by it. The obvious choice would be the Sentinelese, an island-dwelling hunter-gatherer tribe with a population of 250 and only one 56.6k modem between them. Also, the Irish are largely allergic to the Internet, so you should be pretty safe with them too.